Building A Family

I realize it’s been a while.  And as you can tell by the title, this does not seem adoption related.  But with one line at the end. I will bring it all together… watch.  ;)

I just spent 45 minutes at PetSmart.  First I realized the company that made my cat’s food changed the formulas yet again.  Murphy has a very sensitive stomach and he’s the only reason I keep buying this brand.  Since they’ve done this several times, I had to switch.  I bought one small bag of their food (I think) and went in search of a food to switch them to.

First,  I started looking for a brand that I was familiar with and on the way I saw new stuff, grain-free cat food!  Eating grain-free reduces inflammation and can reduces several diseases that people in America suffer from, maybe cats were next.  I survived one diet change, I could do it again.  In January, my cats went on a diet.  I didn’t think it was possible to do it.  I thought I would die listening to their “meow”s for more food all day.  But after just 2 months of feeding them a set amount at the same time of day, they both lost weight.  In addition to losing weight, Tabitha became a different cat!  She used to be standoffish and very anti-social.  In the last two months, she’s become very loving and wants to cuddle.

I started to wonder if my cats were inflamed from eating grain.  Was that pound that Tabitha lost just enough to take stress off of her little  joints and make her a happy cat?  Well, what if I start feeding them grain-free?  Maybe they’ll both come out of their shells and be wonder cats!  I work with nutrition expert, Dr. Dawn Cadwallader, I’ve seen her change diets in children to gluten-free and they become different kids within a week.  It’s amazing!  Maybe I need to do the same thing with my cats.  I grabbed my phone out to text her.  Dr. Dawn has been there for me for a lot of stuff.  I know I could call her in the middle of the night and she’d answer.  But something told me that texting her a question about cat food on a Friday afternoon while she was at a seminar in Dallas was not the best idea ever.  I put my phone away.

I frantically started reading food labels and grabbing different brands to compare.  After about 5 minutes, I realized I had no clue what I was reading.  Cross-eyed after 10 minutes, I convinced myself that they were cats.  Senior cats at that.  They have a good indoor life, they are incredibly healthy, they have no issues, nor have they ever.  I could probably put down the one-pound bag of $30 grain-free cat food.   I convinced myself to go with a well-known brand that had been around for a long time.  I got up to the register only to second guess myself.  I got really nervous about the food that I purchased.  ”What if”s kept going through my head.

As I was driving home, agonizing about whether I made the right decision… I started laughing really hard.

What am I going to do when I have to pick out food for my children?  (Probably have a panic attack and pass out in the fruits and vegetable section.)

Side Note:  For more information about healthy eating (you, not your pets…), contact Dr. Dawn Cadwallader at Pro Health Chiropractic.  She’s awesome

Last week on Tuesday, we got an inquiry from our adoption agency.  They were going to start working with a law firm in another state.  It was our choice whether or not this law firm would have access to our profile.  We were forewarned that adoptions in this state can cost upwards of $40k.  (Compared to $20-26k in Wisconsin).  This law firm had birthmothers waiting to be matched and no waiting adoptive families.

After discussing the situation, Tony and I decided to have our information provided to the law firm.  If something came of it, we would talk about what to do then.  It couldn’t hurt to have more exposure.

Less than 24 hours later, we got the phone call that we have been waiting 6 months… 1 year… 2 years… all our lives for.  And it’s true.  Nothing at all can prepare you for that moment.  Our agency was sending us information about a birthmother from the law firm who was due in July with a baby girl.  There were some health concerns that we needed to look at.  We were asked to respond if we were interested in 48 hours.

First I think we were in shock.  Tony was in an airport, I was at work and all we wanted to do was see each other and talk about what this could mean.  He didn’t get home until after I was asleep, so the next morning was the first time we were able to talk about it.  We ended up coming up with a lot of questions, we called our social worker and she gave us as much information as she could.  I had to go to work, so Tony called the law firm to ask the questions that we still needed answered.

It was a whirlwind of what-if and how are we going to make this work?  It was 2x what we had expected to pay for an adoption.  We could make it work, but what would we sacrifice?  The list was long… we wouldn’t be able to move out of our house for quite some time, if the birthmother changed her mind, there could be a financial loss that we may never recover from… that would mean we wouldn’t be able to start the adoption process again for several years.  If we spent that much on this adoption, the odds were that we would not adopt again.  Our dreams of a bigger family wouldn’t happen.  But… what price do you put on a life?  What if this was our baby?  We SAW the sonograms… we SAW what this little girl’s mom, dad and brother looked like.  He was only 19 months old and one of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen!  She was being handed to us… but at what cost?

That is the worst thing about adoption by far.  So much is dependent on how much you can spend.  The cost is so enormous, some people have lost literally everything in the hopes of having a child.

It kills me to say this now as much as it killed me two days ago.  The tears are still fresh and I still choke up a little when I think of the pictures of her family and dream of the little girl that could have been ours.  But we had to say no.  I’ve always had a hard time telling people no… and this was an exceptionally difficult moment.

We have taken our profile out of the law firm’s pool because of the expense in that state.  We have changed a few things in our profile here to open up the pool of potential matches we will have here.  We’re still hopeful of a match soon… but I can wait a while.  The sting of saying no is still very fresh and I don’t know if I can handle another roller coaster right at this moment.

We learned a lot from this experience.  I learned more about myself and how I really was able to step back and look at the situation in a very real way.  I was way less “baby-crazy” that I thought I would be when we got matched.  It still hurts though.

We appreciate all of the support from our parents during this time.  We hope extended family and friends understand why we didn’t pick up the phone or get on Facebook and tell the world!  Trust us, there are so many of you that we wanted to call to tell about the potential situation.  But in the end, the match process has become something very private for us.  One, because we want to make the best decision for us without a thousand opinions coming at us and two, if something doesn’t work out, it’s something that we want to hurt as few hearts as possible.

“It was quite the ride… there were ups and downs, zigs and zags, a few days later when I thought I’d had enough of the roller coaster.  I was ready to get off completely and ride the much safer merry-go-round.  I looked back, changed my mind, threw my hands in the air and screamed, ‘Let’s do that again!’” ~Me

The truth is….

Lately, the more I try to act “as if” in regards to a child and family, the harder it is for me… and Pretend used to be my favorite game!

The truth is…

I have three baby name books and each time we hear news of another possible birth mother coming to our agency, I pull it out and start getting excited again.  I start to dream about the stories I’ll tell my son or daughter about what I did the moment I heard about them.  Then, when a week goes by without a phone call, I fold up the paper with the names and file it out of sight.

The truth is…

As hard as I try to push my situation out of the way to find happiness for others starting families, it’s hard to remember that the world does not revolve around me, my family and our situation.

The truth is…

I know there are hard things to deal with when parenting, but all I can see are the beautiful moments.

The truth is…

I always think there is more I could do to speed the adoption process along, but then, I sit down to think about what else I could do… I come up with several things… but finding the positive energy to put into them is harder to muster up every day.

The truth is…

I wish money wasn’t an object.

The truth is…

The adoption process is hard.

The truth is…

There are days that I start to believe that my life would be ok if we didn’t have children.

I start to imagine what it would be like if the family we’ve always dreamt about didn’t happen.  And I start to convince myself that I’m OK with that… just to save my heart a little bit of the ache for today.

The truth is…

I want to make sure my future son or daughter knows…

I loved you before you were even a twinkle in my eye or a thought in my head.

The truth is…

I want my child to know that no matter how much I doubt the process… I love you to the moon and back.  And I don’t even know you yet.

Happy New Year!  Sorry it’s been a while… The holidays were very taxing emotionally on me.  Seeing family, we were  constantly reminded that we were still waiting was a lot to bear.  I hid my emotions pretty well, but I’m sure to those who know me well could see the tears in my eyes and feel my heart yearn just a little more every time I saw a child.

The New Year is often a time to reflect on what has been and start new.  I have been given a clean canvas on which I can begin painting any picture I choose.  Looking back to a year ago, Tony and I were in such a different place.  We were fighting to save our marriage.  The thought of adoption had just entered our minds as our next step.  The research was just beginning and everything was new and exciting.

Now that all of the paperwork is done, all of the waiting is happening.

I see friends and family members move on with lives, pregnancies come and go and children are born.  I am reminded constantly of the stuck.  Stuck waiting.  Stuck not knowing.  Having full faith that our baby will find us, but the constant struggle of knowing that God or the Universe or whatever you choose to believe in knows when the right time will be and I do not.  It’s like being in limbo.   I want to make plans for the future, but I want to have a contingency plan in case we get a match.  Is that the right way to live?  Constantly making a back-up plan?  Or do I just go on making plans and change everything when something happens.  Those of you who really know me know that a plan is very important.  When things don’t go as planned, I have a little hissy fit all my own Then I get over it and move on.  But the plan is so important to me.

I am happy for the time I am able to spend both with Tony and by myself.  However, dreaming, wishing, hoping that my life will change very soon is becoming more and more difficult to imagine with every passing day.  Some days it seems like it will never happen.  Putting a positive spin on things seems to get more and more difficult as the control slips a little farther out of my hands.  Speaking as a control freak, not having control is driving me nuts.

That being said and emotions aside, we really are in a good place.  We have a few more rooms to do in the house anyways.  But I’d live in a box under a bridge if it meant I would get the phone call tomorrow that a Birth Mother had picked us.  Just sayin’  ;)

As we sit in the middle of the chaos that every Christmas seems to bring, I can’t help but find myself not the happiest I’ve ever been as I look around.  Facebook posts of sleepless nights because of children too excited to sleep waiting for Santa, photos of children showing off their favorite gifts, some people even complaining about how early their children woke them…

In the season of green and red, I find myself wearing an ugly cloak of green.  Green for envy and green for jealousy.  I’m having a hard time finding the blessing in all of our waiting for the perfect family.  Tony asked me why I have such a negative take on our situation right now.  I simply can’t figure out a way to answer all of the questions in a positive way… “So, anything new news about the adoption?”  It’s easier for me to just answer, “Nope.” Than it is for me to elaborate on what is going on without tears coming to my eyes.  What is going on is waiting.

I would take being fat and pregnant with sciatica and cravings, morning sickness for a year, not being able to see my feet and endless sleepless nights over waiting and having no answer for when.  The uncertainty in newborn adoption is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with.

So forgive me today if I am quiet. If I am not jumping for joy at any of my gifts under the tree.

And in the midst of my self-pity, I am reminded of a poem given to me by my amazing friend, Dawn, that always turns my heart and my head around when I’m feeling beaten down.

Merry Christmas to all!  If you have fallen on hard times this Holiday Season, I hope this poem finds you and gives you perspective.

As I prepare for the holidays, I become increasingly aware that our family is missing something. I need to take time and be thankful for what I already have… I know there are amazing things just on the horizon. But if I’m not thankful for what I already have, how will I be able to create a space for wonderful things about to happen?

• I am thankful for my amazing family.  My blood relatives and those families I have been adopted into.  (You know who you are)
• I am thankful for my loving husband.  If I think back just a year ago, we were in such a different place.  Not a day goes by that I wish we had a different story.
• I’m thankful that my husband treats me like a princess.  With him by my side, I will want for nothing.
• I am thankful to have a job that gives back to me in abundance in more ways than income.  I get to work with amazing people everyday, help people, and have a daily reminder of the blessings in my life.
•  I am thankful for my cats.  They love me unconditionally every day and don’t care what kind of mood I’m in.
• I am thankful to have a home, no matter how small it seems sometimes, it is filled to the brim with love and I wouldn’t have it another way.
• I’m thankful for my friends.  They’re the truest, most loyal people I know.
• I’m thankful for my faith, for without it, I would only have fear.
• I am thankful for my fear, for without it, I would not know that life begins at the end of my comfort zone.
• I am thankful for adoption, birth mothers and fathers, without their selfless gifts, myself an others would not get to hope for the joy of motherhood.

I recently got the new iPhone 4s and it has battery issues. The battery drains very quickly and Apple has yet to come up with a fix for it for all of the phones. Even with the new iOS update, my battery keeps draining.

To keep up the battery life on my phone, I’m constantly double “clicking” the home button to kill apps running in the background. This seems to help a little… but never enough to get my battery to run through the day.

Funny. That’s kind of a metaphor for my life recently.

Lately I’ve been feeling more run down than usual. I’m sleeping at night, (sometimes not the greatest, but it’s sleep!), I’m exercising more, paying attention to what I eat, and taking vitamins. I am doing the same things during the day and still, I am wiped out by 9:00. Most nights, I’m sleeping by 9:30. It sounds pathetic for a 31 year old!

Then, in a conversation with a friend, I had an epiphany. The adoption is what is wearing me out. The wait and the not knowing. The constant what if. It is constantly running in the background. Whenever the phone rings, I’m secretly hoping it’s the agency. Every email from Adoptions of Wisconsin, I’m hoping for more news. But nothing.

There are days I can be completely fine and talk to anyone and everyone about the adoption and how excited I am. There are other days that I cry at the drop of a hat when someone mentions it. (Like last week at my yearly check-up… that was fun!) I know with the holidays right around the corner, when we show up to family and friends houses, questions will be asked… and I can not be sure what reaction each individual person might get.

I’m constantly thinking about it. Tony even told me that he doesn’t think about it, because he knows I am, so he doesn’t have to. Even when I’m not thinking about it, it’s there, draining my battery.

Clearly I need an iOS update. Preferably one that includes a tropical destination in order to update.

Geri 31.2.1 will be the best!

I am reading several books on adoption.  After reading a TON of those, feeling I had a great grasp on everything, I realized I felt like an expert on adoption… but knew nothing about babies… so off to the parenting section of the book store I went.

Now, reading the parenting books as well as the adoption books, all of them stress how important it is for me to select my future child’s pediatrician.  I am to “make sure that they understand adoption” and “will take children with limited medical history”.  I know it’s a great thing to establish a relationship with a medical doctor in my community so that if my child is sick, I have someone to go to.  However… where do I go to keep my child well?  How do I keep my child (and family) well and not constantly running to the medicine cabinet?

This is the part where I love where life lead me… to work for a chiropractor.

I have worked for Pro Health Chiropractic for almost 3 years now.  I have learned so much about health care and medical care and how the two differ.  I want medical care when I’m sick.  When my body cannot repair itself, I want someone to intercede.  When I am healthy, I want someone to keep me healthy.

I have written this blog post several times searching for the right words.  Do I explain chiropractic and natural health care and why I’m so passionate about it?  Do I tell the story of how it’s helped me?

Then I was invited to attend a Life University Recruiting Event held on the UW Madison campus.  Dr. Guy Reikeman, the President of the university was speaking.  I have heard Dr. Reikeman speak before.  He is an amazing speaker.  He is a visionary and widely known in the world of chiropractic.  I knew I couldn’t miss it.  And when I got there that night, I knew why I had to be there.  He recited this poem and it resonated so much with me.  It explains perfectly why I want my family to have chiropractic care.

If you are interested in finding out more about Chiropractic, visit www.prohealthchiro1.com, www.pubmed.com (for research on Chiropractic and … anything) and www.life.edu

During the months of May through June, I headed a project with Pro Health Chiropractic and ran our “Move it! Use it! Lose it! to Win It!” contest.  It was modeled after a “Biggest Loser” competition, but tracked not only body composition change, but steps taken and time worked out.  It made me hyper aware of the people that were struggling with a work out program, struggling with weight as well as those who lead really healthy lifestyles and did well in the contest without changing their normal routine.

As a staff member, I struggled to log my information.  To be honest, I didn’t do more than log what I had already been doing.  I didn’t make a stride to change anything.  I labeled myself as “too busy.”

For a long time I allowed myself to let go with the hopes of getting pregnant someday and being able to blame it on “baby fat”… well… that’s not going to happen!  Better figure this out!

With a baby on the way, I started thinking about running around and playing with my toddler and young child.  I started to think about my health and how it would affect the way I could interact with my child.  When I put it into terms of parenting, suddenly something clicked.  I had to change something.  I did not want to be the mommy huffing and puffing around the playground… I want to be running right alongside my kids!

I started by analyzing how I had worked out in the past.  What did I focus on?  What was my inner dialog?  I have been working on visualization and positive self-talk in other areas of my life, mainly in my career.  Now I needed it to cross over into my health and fitness.  WOW!  Did it ever!

First I had to start a workout routine and stick with it for 6 weeks.  That was my first mini-goal.  I took a workout that I had been given by Dr. Rob almost a year ago and started it again with a few modifications.  I cut it to three days a week from five, I added in some weight machines that I really wanted to incorporate.  I promised myself that if I could stick to three times per week for six weeks, I would go back to Dr. Rob and ask him for the next step workout.  But I wouldn’t go before then.  I had to prove to myself that I would stick with it.  And I didn’t want to waste his time.

In the first six week workout period, I focused on my self-talk.  Making sure to stay positive on the treadmill, focusing on how good I felt after the work out.  ”Easy-Peasy” became my mantra for my running and cardio that I was trying to MAKE myself like.  I have never liked running.  I was on the tennis team and dance team in high school because you didn’t have to run.  I categorized myself as a non-runner to everyone else AND to myself.  I changed my self talk to, “I like running!  I like the way it makes my body feel!”  It took at least the first six weeks for that to be “normal” self talk.  And even now I have my off days.  But that was a major change.

During the second six week period, with a renewed sense of commitment, I started focusing on was what I wanted my outcome to be.  In the past, I have always focused on a number.  I wanted to be a size 5 or I wanted to be 120 lbs.  That’s not a bad goal to have… I realized the detrimental part to my goal was the follow-up… “I want to be a size 5… like I was in High School.”

Let’s be honest.  Focusing on the past has never gotten anyone very far in moving forward with their lives.  Why was I so obsessed with my former dancer’s body and a number?  I couldn’t live in the past in any other part of my life. Why should I make my past body a focus of who I wanted my body to be in the future??  So I changed it.  I started imagining what I wanted my strong, self confident, mommy-self to be.  What did I want my baby/toddler/child to look up to?  With that strong, healthy, future image in my head, I continued my workouts.

I’ve been working out for over 12 weeks now.  I have lost 15lbs since I started working on my weight over a year ago.  So, not a huge weight loss… but I’ve been weightlifting and muscle weighs more than fat.

Here’s the exciting part! I’ve gone from a size 10/12 to a size 5/6.  I have amazing energy, I no longer have problems with insomnia, I get excited to go to the gym!

While it is still a work in progress and I have more goals for changing my body composition, I truly believe that it was my thoughts that I had to change, not the things  I was doing.  I had to be ready mentally for the physical changes.  I’m excited to continue this healthy lifestyle and continue to work on being the best mommy I can be!!

I’m excited to announce that my blog will be featured in a section of Mommy Bloggers on JustMommies.com

I’m honored to be considered an expectant mommy… Now, do I push it and park in one of those designated parking stalls?  Ha!  Just kidding

I never thought I would blog about anything.  It started as therapy for myself.  A better way of journaling.  So I hope if you read this and you don’t know me (AKA anyone from the Justmommies site.) I hope you get an insiders look at adoption, a different view of being a mom, or maybe just a different perspective on parenthood.